InterHouse Cooperation
by EdwardsLily
Summary: Dumbledore always wanted better inter-house relations, but he should be careful what he wishes for. Things never go as planned when there is a drunken Hermione in the house. Slytherin/Gryffindor fun.
1. The Shortest Prologue Ever

**The Shortest Prologue Ever to Appear on Fanfiction**

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If someone had told Harry two months ago that he would end up dancing shirtless on a table in the Great Hall with a nude Draco Malfoy, he would have called that person loony. And yet, here he was, doing the Can-Can on the Head Table while Ginny played the tambourines. Clearly, things had changed since two months ago.

He blamed it all on that one, stupid game of Truth or Dare. Listening to Hermione had never been a good thing.

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**A/N: This is a total crackfic that my brother and I are writing. This is our first attempt at writing a fic together, and his first real attempt at a fic, ever. We both have quite a bit of time on our hands right now to write this but knowing how particular we each are I can't promise fast updates. This is rated T for now but the rating will probably change as this fic contains such clichés as Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, and naked British wizards. For now, we're trying to preserve our youthful innocence, but we can't promise anything.**

**Please do feel free to review, comment, whatever. We'd really rather not get flamed, but we'll take what we can get because we know that this story is horribly not-cannon, and horribly OOC. It's not a biggie. We're practically flaming ourselves shooting bad ideas back and forth.**

**AHEM. Enough of my rambling. The story, right? It should be a long one, and we'll try to update maybe… um… at least twice a week. We're going for longer chapters, though, so no promises.**

**Without further ado, the first chapter of Inter-House Cooperation. (aka, please click the button that will take you to the next chapter. It's much longer than this, we promise)  
**

**With much love,**

**Lily and Albert**


	2. Happy 40th, Minerva

**Chapter One**

**Happy 40****th****, Minerva**

Nobody saw Luna Lovegood shove Draco Malfoy up against a wall on the seventh floor, and Draco was quite happy for it to stay that way. He kissed her back swiftly, and then scooped her up into his arms bridal style, the way she liked it, and scanned the hall for the nearest door to a deserted classroom. It wasn't the first time they'd done this, and he was more than willing to bet that it wouldn't be the last. But really, in a public place? If they weren't in a judgmental, rumor-spreading place like Hogwarts, he wouldn't have minded as much.

Before his startled eyes, a door appeared halfway down the hall and he kicked himself mentally for not remembering. Idiot, Draco. The Room of Requirement. He'd practically lived there last year. He took off running, because Lovegood was breathing down his neck and toying with his collar in an _incredibly _distracting way, and they needed to get a room _fast_.

She giggled into his neck as the wind rushed past her face, and he tried to remind himself that it didn't really matter who she was, or how obnoxious she could get, but that he was only in this because she had a smoking hot body.

He shoved the door open with his shoulder, eager to get inside… and stopped dead at what he saw.

Instead of the nice romantic room he was expecting, he appeared to have interrupted a very inebriated staff meeting. Upon further inspection, he realized that the topic of conversation was more along the lines of what the staff had or had not ever done. Completely bewildered, he stood there in the doorway with a dumb look of shock on his face for a moment before realizing that he was still holding Luna and staring at the back of a slightly giddy Severus Snape. He put Luna down and motioned to here to follow him behind a cabinet. After explaining to her three times what he wanted her to do, they settled in to eavesdrop on the game of Never Have I Ever.

Professor Dumbledore looked at the little group mildly, glanced swiftly at the cabinet as if he knew that Draco and Luna were there – which was, of course, impossible, because Dumbledore didn't have x-ray vision – and said, "Never have I ever had a sexual dream about a student."

Draco's jaw dropped. Snape, Trelawny and Flitwick all put fingers down.

McGonagall snorted into her shot glass. "Really, Filius? Do tell."

Tiny Professor Flitwick looked nervous for a second, and then drunkenly mumbled "Hermillany Gransssshur."

"_Excuse_ me?" Snape said, his eyes flashing dark. McGonagall took another shot, looking positively plastered and quite amused. Dumbledore looked at the ceiling pleasantly.

Flitwick hiccupped. "Hermillany. Don't tell me you haven't, Seeeverush. I've shen the shway you look at hmerr."

Snape looked down at the bottle he was holding, apparently surprised to find it empty. "Issnoter," he mumbled.

"What was that?" Professor Sprout said loudly. "I'm sorry, Severus, I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that."

"ISSNOTER!" he positively shrieked. Half the staff jumped and splashed firewhisky down their robes. The other half took long, deep drinks because they knew they would rather be drunk when they heard the news.

"Whooshit, then?" McGonagall said. "She'sh only ever widd Potty and the Weashel."

"That's not a very nice thing to call Harry and Ron," Luna said indignantly.

Draco stuffed his fist into his mouth so that he wouldn't laugh aloud. Distracted, his companion looked around the cabinet in bemusement, trailing her fingers over a whole row of shot glasses. There was no question as to where the teachers had gotten them.

Severus started to cry. "Ish the Weashel!" he sobbed. "Hish hair, sho fine and sho red shat he miggt ash well be on fiiiiiiire. Sho pretty. Want to chouchshit."

Draco might be about to wet himself with laughter. One of his ribs surely must have cracked from holding it all in.

"And you, Sybill?" Dumbledore asked lightly, as if he were discussing a dinner order and not a wet dream.

"Ooh," Luna said. Draco shushed her, and she looked at him, wide-eyed, her face half illuminated by a sliver of light that came to them around the back of the cabinet. "Sorry," she whispered. "But I bet it's Harry. She's quite fond of him, you know. Always talks about him after class. Sometimes, I think she's staring at his backside when he goes downstairs. Bit odd, really. I mean, she is a teacher and all, but…" She stopped talking when Professor Trelawny started.

She drew her shawl around her shoulders imperiously. "It is not for me to say what the Inner Eye has revealed to me," she said grandly. Then she pressed her hand to her mouth like she was about to be sick. She looked a little green as she clutched her bottle of cooking sherry.

Oh, what a laugh.

"I shink itsh your turn, Poppy," McGonagall slurred to Madam Pomfrey.

She looked coyly at Madame Pince. "Never have I ever lusshted after Argussh Filtchish." To general astonishment, McGonagall dropped a finger too, for the first time.

"Really Minerva? He'sh notsh really shuur type," said Madame Pince possessively, "nor are shu hish."

"But he hash… a _cat_," she lingered on the last word as if it was a jewel.

"It's true," Luna murmured dreamily. "Mrs. Norris is quite lovely, you know. She always lets me pet her when I give her raw beef. It's quite sweet."

She had to shut up when a pale hand snaked up over her mouth and pressed her lips together, hard.

Dumbledore coughed quietly.

"Don't worry Albuushh," she said reassuringly, "it'sh jusht a shide hobby."

Dumbledore looked at her with an air of careless confusion, then decided that it wasn't really important and went back to babbling to himself about teacups.

Professor Sprout adjusted her patchy hat and looked around the suddenly silent circle with a cold, calculating look that Draco had never seen in her beady little eyes. "Never haff I ever screwed Wheeemus Lupin in my patch of _Devilsh Shnare!_" she hissed venomously.

Draco clamped his hand harder over Luna's mouth; she looked like she was about to shriek out something inconvenient.

All eyes turned to Snape, who sighed, _blushed_, and put down his final finger. "Fuck shoe, Poomona," he mumbled.

"Shnot my fault that you're dummm enuff to do it there," she said defensively. "WhawashI shpossed to do when I found shoe there? Really, Shev. It'sh all yo fault."

"I feel as if we're all missing out on something," Dumbledore said to the rest of the staff, his eyes dancing merrily behind their half-moon glasses.

"It wash only that one time…" Snape said. He looked down at his empty bottle again. "I wash young, ya know?"

"Young?" Sprout shrieked. "Shev, thish was two monsh ago. Unlesh you took a sherious ashing possson, I don't fink fings have changed that smuch."

Severus paled. "Two monsh ago?"

Sprout's eyes flashed. "You mean this hash happened more than once!?" she screamed. "You bashtard, you! That's not healshy for the plants! Albuss, help me out on thish one!"

Professor Dumbledore took a deep sip of dark, red wine. "I think that Severus may have something he needs to tell us."

"I'm gay!" Snape whined. He started crying again, and McGonagall went over to him to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "Sho shorry. I shoulda told ya all earlier. But I shot that maybe you'd all hate me for thissss… Me and Weeemush."

"Since when?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Sixsh – hic – year," Snape blubbered.

"Well." McGonagall pursed her lips. "I guess this means that you have qualms about kissing me, then?"

Snape's head jerked up. "Whaaaa –?"

Professor Vector cleared his throat loudly. "Minewva ith the thpethial giwl tonight. We agweed, didn't we Thevewuth, that whoever lotht the game would have to kith her? It'th not every night the thelebwateth her fowtieth yeaw of teathing."

"Fuck."

"Language, 'Thevewuth,'" McGonagall said, amused. "Just kiss me and get it over with."

"Right," Trelawny said slyly. "Sh-hic-e's not happ-hic-y eith-hic-er, ishe? Be-hic-caush you're not Argu-hic-sh."

McGonagall shot her a death glare, and Trelawny actually yelped and splashed sherry down her front.

Malfoy decided that now would be a good time to leave. A _**very**_good time. He grabbed Luna by the wrist and pulled her out of the cabinet. He lay flat on the floor and slithered towards the door, with Luna close behind. When Draco looked up for a moment, he saw that the teachers were now playing Spin the Bottle with Trelawney's empty cooking sherry bottle.

Having sucessfully exited the room without being discovered, Draco stood up in the corridor and reached down to help Luna.

"Ginny will like this," Luna said when she was standing. "I'm gonna go tell her and all the Gryfffindors to come here." Draco nodded and made to move away. " You can tell the Slytherins too," she added matter-of-factly.

Draco paused for a moment to think about whether he should. Then he decided it was definetly something to see. Who cared if they got in trouble for it? With that he headed one way to the Slytherin common room and Luna went another way to Gryffindor. He only paused to think for a moment how strange it was she wouldn't go off to Ravenclaw.

***

The corridors of Hogwarts near the Slytherin and Gryffindor dormitories became chaos. Students rushed here, there to find their friends; rumors flew; someone claimed very seriously that Severus Snape was currently in the greenhouses with Harry Potter tied up in Devil's Snare, shagging him; no one really knew what was going on except for a select group of very amused people. Together, grinning too widely for anyone to be comfortable, they marched in the direction of the room that no one else knew how to find.

***

Dumbledore spun the bottle, grinning cheerfully, and it rolled to point to Flitwick. He chuckled to himself as his drunken staff roared with mirth. Flitwick stood shakily and fluttered his eyelashes at Dumbledore, who pretended to blush. They leaned toward each other across the circle and Albus pecked Filius affectionately on the cheek.

The door banged open and twenty odd students – most of them notorious seventh years of the type that gave the teachers nightmares – stood in the doorway, frozen with shock. Dumbledore actually _giggled_and then snogged Flitwick full on the lips.

Harry Potter stood cockily in front of the group, sniggering to himself. "Hello," he quipped. "Mind if we join in?"

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**If you liked it, we won't complain at all if you review or favorite or subscribe. In fact, it would make us shubliminally happppppppppy and we jusht shmight shober up enouffff to shtoptalkin like drunk peepppole. New chapppie to come shoon, we 'ope. Hic.**


	3. Shpin the Bottle, Logbutton

**Chapter 2**

**Shpin the Bottle, Logbutton!  
**

"Oh, sure," said Dumbledore, breaking away from Flitwick without the slightest hint of embarrassment, "the more the merrier!" He started humming to himself and rocking back and forth slightly.

Harry signaled for everybody to come in. One by one, they took their places, some making a point to avoid enemies, others sitting by a favorite teacher. Snape and Flitwick blushed when they saw Ron and Hermione. Dumbledore smiled pleasantly at everyone, and shot a few staff members warning glances. Once everybody was situated, McGonagall took out several bottles of wine and mead and some more glasses to make sure that everybody had a drink.

Dean Thomas and Cormac McClaggen shared a smirk and raised their eyebrows at each other. _McGonagall_? Pouring _drinks_ for _students_? She had to be drunk. Oh, God, this was going to be a good time.

"Who wants to spin first?" she slurred. "Filius was last. Who's next to him? Bones!"

And so, the first spinner was Susan Bones. She spun the bottle and it landed on Ron. Ron turned dark red, and Susan flushed, unable to meet his eyes. Hermione frowned. Ignoring the titers that ran through the circle, Susan leaned across to Ron and kissed him.

To the general disbelief of everybody watching, the kiss turned more into a wrestling match, the likes of which had not been seen since the ill-fated time that Ron and Lavender Brown were a couple. Lavender, Hermione, and Snape all shot daggers at Susan as she swayed on the spot with Ron.

Dumbledore had to clear his throat after at least three deeply amusing minutes. "Mr. Weasley, Miss Bones, might I remind you that this is not Seven Minutes In Heaven?"

They broke apart, if not reluctantly, both of them flushed and embarrassed.

"Weasel's finally getting some!" Draco called, and a few Slytherins wolf –whistled, laughing crudely. Hermione tutted and grabbed Ron's arm, pulling him huffily down to sit beside her again.

"What?" he said, shocked.

She didn't look at him. She just took a deep swig of firewhisky. Harry saw her fingers curling around the air like she wanted to strangle something, and he smiled to himself.

Dean, who was sitting next to Ron, grabbed the bottle. He looked around the circle calculatingly, like he could time the spin perfectly. Ginny stiffened when his eyes landed on her, and he grinned. He flicked his wrist especially hard, and, of course, the bottle ended up pointing to the redhead. She scowled and held out her hand.

"I'm not kissing you on the lips, Dean Thomas, so don't even think about it."

Neville snorted and Dean grimaced. Blaise Zabini grinned. "Go Weasley!"

She shot him a dark look that would have made a grown man tremble. He stopped smiling.

Dean kissed the back of Ginny's hand tentatively, and she slapped his cheek and went to go sit on Harry's lap. Harry could hear her muttering something to the effect that she would never get back with Dean, and especially not because of Spin the Bottle.

He grinned and nuzzled his face into her shoulder. "Don't worry, Gin. I won't be jealous. It's just a game."

She turned around to glare at him. "Harry, if you think for a moment that I'm going to let _Dean_ even _think_ about –"

"Shh," Luna said dreamily. "That wasn't a very nice thing of you to do, Ginny. Dean is quite nice."

"_Dean_ is quite a prat!"

"I heard that!" he said hotly.

"Please," Draco drawled. "May I spin now? The bottle is right next to me now, unless Potty wants a go."

For some reason, McGonagall and Snape flushed at the nickname, and Draco permitted himself a smirk before he reached across the Weaslette to the bottle. He spun it casually, and to his delight, it pointed at Luna.

Ron gaped as Luna smiled serenely and pulled Draco over to her. Their lips locked in a way that was far too practiced and familiar, and she toyed with his hair in a way that not even Pansy Parkinson dared. Pansy hissed and a few teachers averted their eyes as Draco slid his hands under Luna's skirt. Flitwick, Pomfrey, and Snape did not.

Hermione moaned and turned Harry and Ron's heads away forcefully, before hiding her own face in her hands. The kiss was even longer than Susan and Ron's, and much more intimate as well. The Slytherins all muttered to each other on their side of the circle – when the hell had Draco started fraternizing with the Ravenclaw whore?

"Since when do _they_ like each other?" Harry hissed at Ginny. She shook her head, trying to hide a smile. Oh God. She knew something.

It seemed that they were glued together; they wrapped around each other so tightly that it looked like they would never separate. After a few minutes of clearing his throat sharply, Dumbledore conjured up a set of walls that surrounded them and dragged them off into their own private corner.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" Ron demanded.

Hermione pulled her face out of her hands and glared at him. "I might ask you the same, _Ronald_. Groping up Susan Bones like that."

Susan turned hot pink on the other side of the room and looked away, abashed. Pavarti patted her arm comfortingly.

"Mishter Longbottom," Professor Sprout said. "I do believe that ish your turn."

Neville looked at the bottle in front of him, his face already flushed. "Do I have to?" he mumbled.

"Longbuttocks!" Snape said groggily. "Pick up that bloody bottle and _shpin_itch."

"Sir?" Hermione said softly.

"Shut up Hermillany. Ish Logbutton's turn and if he doshen't shpin the damn bottle I'll pick it up and do it _for_ him!"

Neville squeaked. As if Professor Snape weren't scary enough sober, here he was, waving his wand like a lunatic and slurring out insults. He reached out a trembling hand and spun the bottle. And turned the brightest shade of magenta that anyone had ever seen when it landed on McGonagall.

A hush fell over the circle as Logbutton and McGonagall eyed each other warily. No one had thought about what would happen if the student-teacher thing got messed up.

"SHNOG HER!" Snape yelled, waving his wand enough to make it rain all over them. "SHNOG HER LONGBUTT!"

Everyone was very quiet as thunder clapped overhead.

"Severus," Hagrid said gruffly. "Maybe that isn't the best idea. She's a teacher, he's a student… It ain't right."

"Your fashe ishn't right," Snape mumbled into his goblet, turning off the rain. "BlastEndedbubotuberssnrkahippogriff…" He slumped over where he sat, snoring.

All eyes were on Neville and McGonagall.

"It is my opinion," Dumbledore said lightly, "that the rules of the game are quite clear. Minerva, Neville, if you will…"

McGonagall muttered something about pedophiliac old men and scooted obligingly over to Neville. He screwed up his face like he was trying to do a particularly difficult spell and ghosted his lips over hers.

They broke apart very quickly, although a completely hammered McGonagall looked a bit regretful, and Hermione snatched up the bottle. She took another gulp of firewhisky and spun it randomly.

It landed on Goyle.

Goyle smiled creepily, making Hermione shudder. Harry patted her back quickly and she grimaced.

"C'mon 'Mione," Ron gurgled happily around a butterbeer. "Kiss the ape! Kiss the ape!"

The chant went around the circle, picked up by the less-sensitive among them, and Snape jolted awake to chant with them.

"This school is going to the dogs," Blaise murmured, watching Goyle crack his knuckles menacingly. Hermione whimpered and scooted over to him. He crushed her into a bear hug and mashed their lips together right as a disheveled Draco Malfoy emerged from the closet, trailed by a Luna Lovegood whose shirt was buttoned crookedly.

Draco's jaw dropped for what felt like the millionth time that night, and his hands curled into fists. Harry noticed. Malfoy must have been mad about his disciple kissing a muggleborn. Yes. That would be it.

After what seemed like an eternity to Hermione, Goyle let her go. She went back to her place as quickly as she could. Harry tried to look sympathetic, but it was no use. Everyone else was hiding giggles behind their hands, including the teachers. Hermione turned hot pink when Goyle winked at her on his way to his place. She could see him saying something to Malfoy, no doubt he was bragging about what he had just done. It helped a little (but also made it worse) when Malfoy punched him in the arm.

For a while, there was an awkward silence that was sometimes punctuated by a snicker that couldn't be held in anymore. Finally, Ron picked up the bottle and spun it. To his horror, it pointed at his least favorite person, Severus Snape.

Snape looked at the bottle, then at Ron's magenta face, then back at the bottle. Registering what it meant, Snape grabbed Ron and pulled him forward. He placed his lips tenderly on Ron's and, to every Gryffindor's horror, and every Slytherin's amusment, put his hand in Ron's hair, stroking it. And gave Ron the deepest, most embarrassing snog of the night. After a while of struggling and screaming, Ron succeeded in pulling himself away. He announced loudly that whoever said anything about this to anyone at all would be "properly punished in a way to be determined by me."

To his dismay, he saw that half the audience was rolling on the ground, laughing. Severus straightened his robes, mumbling too quietly for anyone to understand, and Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, Susan Bones, Pavarti, Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bullstrode, and Cormac McClaggen cried tears of laughter, piled up into one great heap on the floor, shaking with mirth.

Luna looked at them curiously.

Romilda Vane had her mouth hanging open, and a string of drool was hanging out of it.

Blaise Zabinini looked thoroughly disgusted.

Lavender Brown looked like she was going to murder someone.

Ernie McMillan, the eternally self-righteous, was looking pointedly away.

And all the teachers, who seemed to have instantly overcome their drunkenness, were staring stonily at a red-faced Severus Snape.

"I think," McGonagall said coldly, "that it is time that this night comes to an end."

"I could not agree more," Professor Flitwick said stonily.

Dumbledore seemed to be having a very hard time keeping a straight face. "Yes, I suppose. As it is almost 1:30 in the morning, I would recommend that we all head off to bed, and are mindful that final exams are tomorrow. Pip, pip." He rose to his feet unsteadily, as did all the teachers. None of the students stood.

"Oh, good heavens," Madam Pince said vexedly, pulling out her wand.

"It's quite all right, dear," Dumbledore said, looking around at the students fondly. "If they want to fail tomorrow, it's up to them."

Harry looked at Hermione, fully expecting her to spring to her feet and rush off to the Gryffindor Tower, screaming that she needed to study. It turned out that she was instead warbling "God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs" and dancing about with a bottle of Madam Rosmerta's finest mead.

The teachers all filed out, and a sudden silence fell over the room.

Slytherins, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw all looked at each other as if mortified, having realized what they'd just done. Laughingly made out with each other.

Except Hermione, who was still belting at the top of her lungs.

"Erm." Ron sat down and wiped his mouth off. "Should we all be going, then? God, that was disgusting."

"Go?" Hermione said shrilly. "Go where? Ron! Where are we going?!"

"Looks like the little Mudblood's a wine-o," Draco laughed. His Slytherin cronies laughed sycophantically.

"Dracoooo!" Hermione crooned. "Draco, don't leave me! Are you going too?"

He smirked as she staggered across the circle to him and sat in his lap. Ron's hands balled into fists. Harry noticed this, and smiled. And then frowned because Draco was wrapping his arms around Hermione's waist.

"No, pumpkin," he sneered. "I'm staying right here."

"Good!" The sarcasm was lost on her. "I know! Let's all stay here and play a game!" She grinned brightly at a group of nineteen blank, shocked faces.

"What kind of game?" Luna asked skeptically. For Luna to sound skeptical was a big deal.

"Let's play…" Hermione hummed a bit and then raised her arms in victory, smacking Malfoy in the face. "LET'S PLAY TRUTH OR DARE!"

People nodded vaguely, most of them wanting to but not really wanting to admit it. And then realized that everyone else was nodding. Everyone wanted to stay and play.

How strange.

Truth or dare. Hogwarts style.

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**WOW! Two whole reviews Pleashe note my sarcasm. If you like this story, please let us know. It would brighten our days. We're going to keep writing regardless, but... you know. Suggestions are welcome, as are comments be they positive or not. Hymnophile - I hope this chapter was easier for you to read. I hope you can forgive us for shtill making Sheverush slurr a little. It was too funny to resist.**


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